His speech at my father’s wedding was filled with happiness and love, but as he reached the final sentence, it broke my heart. In the process of breaking the illusion of a great day and exposing a truth that my mother had concealed for years, my chest clenched, my world began to spin, and I walked out of the room.
For seven years. That is the amount of time that had passed since the divorce of my parents. Over the course of seven years, we have been splitting holidays, rotating weekends, and listening to two distinct versions of the past. Even after all that time had passed, I was still unable to comprehend the reasons behind the dissolution of their marriage.
My family only had one adopted child, and I was the only one. My biological children were my brother Caleb and my sister Julia. Both of them were born to my parents. Julia inherited her mother’s small nose, and Caleb inherited his father’s crooked smile. As for me? As a result of the fact that I did not resemble either of them, I never had the experience of being an outsider. At least, not at the beginning.
In every instance, when I inquired about the divorce, Mom’s responses were always ambiguous. She would grin at me in a way that was tight and distant, but it never reached her eyes, and then she would redirect the conversation in a another direction. Dad was not like other people; he wore his resentment like a badge of pride and was constantly making snarky remarks about how unfairly life had treated him.
I do, however, recall one battle, which is one of those memories from my youth that has been etched into my head.
During the time that they were yelling in the kitchen below, I was perhaps nine years old and I was crouching at the top of the stairs. The sharpness of their words reverberated off the walls of the room. And suddenly, “You are a selfish man who does not deserve these children,” Mom said, cutting through everything else that had been going on.
Despite the fact that I was unable to comprehend it at the time, those words became ingrained in my mind. Children are unable to fully absorb the whole meaning of their parents’ wrath; instead, they simply store up those shards of information in the hope that they will make sense at a later time.
After a number of years had passed, I had, for the most part, put those memories behind me. Until the day that my father gets married. It was on that day that all of the disparate parts came together to produce a picture that I was not prepared to view.
As for the ceremony itself, I must confess that it was rather delightful. The mood was the kind that made everything feel staged, like a glossy magazine spread, with cream and gold everywhere, flowers put in perfect symmetry, and flower arrangements that were perfectly symmetrical. There was a string quartet playing softly in the background, and guests were laughing and clinking their glasses. To put it another way, it was so flawless that it made your stomach turn because you knew that something beneath the surface was going to break.
At the front of the room, I was standing with Caleb and Julia, and I was smiling politely to everyone around me. Despite the fact that I was already feeling uneasy, I really wanted to appear normal and blend in with the crowd.
Following that, Dad got up to deliver his remarks.
His grin was broad and sincere in a way that I hadn’t seen in his smile in years, if not ever. Instantaneously, the room fell silent as he raised his champagne flute to a high position.
He began by saying, “I am so blessed,” with a voice that was heavy with love. The way he looked at his new wife, Lillian, was as if she were the only celebrity in the universe. She is the source of a great deal of happiness in my life. Despite the fact that she is a fantastic lady and an incredible mother, I still find it hard to comprehend that I get to call her my wife.
There was a collective sigh from the crowd, the kind of synchronized “aww” that you hear at weddings when there is a sense of romanticism in the air. My chest became more taut.
At that moment, he shifted his attention to Lillian’s daughters, who were clothed in pink tulle that matched each other. These two children were six and eight years old, and their hair was braided and tied with ribbon.
In a tone that was heavy with affection, he addressed Nora and Isabelle, saying, “And to you, I can’t wait to be your dad for real.” You ladies are just incredible, and I already love you more than I am able to express.
The guests gave another round of cooing, Isabelle clapped her hands, and the girls laughed out loud. It was wonderful. When it comes to making children feel wanted, this is exactly what a stepfather should say.
I held my breath and braced myself. Without a doubt, he would look at me, at Julia, and at Caleb at this moment and say something that was just as sincere. It was true that we were his offspring.
“I would like to express my gratitude to each and every child who contributed to the extraordinary nature of this day,” he concluded. It was Caleb and Julia who caught his attention first.
“Caleb and Julia, you have shown an incredible amount of compassion during all of this. Even though I am aware that it has not been simple, you have handled it with such maturity. I could not be more pleased with myself.
After that, he turned his attention to me.
For a fleeting instant, his demeanor became more gentle, and I had the impression that perhaps he might acknowledge me as well. However, his smile changed, going from being warm and friendly to being icy and nearly predatory.
And Stephanie, he said, his tone suddenly harsh, “I just hope you’ll be out of my life soon and won’t ruin this marriage like you ruined the last one.” He was referring to the fact that he had ruined the previous marriage.
Unpredictably, the words went off like a bomb.
I was unable to breathe. My rib cage drew in on itself. There was a momentary halt in the movement of the entire room. After that, he continued chatting as if nothing had occurred, transitioning easily back into toasts and pleasantries, as if he hadn’t just gutted me in front of a hundred witnesses.
My eyesight became hazy, and tears were pouring out of my eyes hot and heavy. I was unable to take a breath. As the visitors within the hall attempted to act as if they hadn’t heard, the air in the hall became oppressive and began to push down on me.
As I pushed my chair back, the sound of it scraping across the floor was so loud that it was deafening. I was the focus of everyone’s attention. I couldn’t look at Dad, so I didn’t look at him. I knew that if I did that, I would utterly come apart.
And with that, I left.
With the force of a slap, the evening air struck my face. My cheeks were flushed, and the sensation was cool, sharp, and nearly painful. Attempting to maintain a consistent breathing pattern caused my hands to shake.
The name “Steph.”
No, it was Caleb. His face was pallid, and his eyes were wide with concern as he followed me. Are you feeling okay?
More relatives came out of the house before I could respond, including Aunt Linda, Uncle Martin, and two cousins that I had just a passing familiarity with. Their words came out abruptly, piercing, and accusatory.
What would be the reason for you to create such a scene? It was Aunt Linda’s demand. “The day of your father’s wedding has arrived.”
As I looked at her, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of astonishment. “I caused a commotion? When he spoke to me, did you not hear what he said?
The arms of Uncle Martin were held crossed. It was simply a joke. It’s not as serious as you think it is.
“Is that it? My voice was trembling. He admitted to me that I had damaged his marriage. Apparently, he wants me to be removed from his life.
When Caleb was angry. “He was heard by you. This was not a joke at all. And he meant it.”
Linda gave the command, “Caleb, you must return inside.” “Rejoice in it. Please don’t make this situation any worse.
Even though Caleb’s eyes flashed with shame, he went ahead and obeyed. He was only fourteen years old. What, in all honesty, could he do?
All of their gazes then shifted to look at me. Someone suggested, “You should come back in as well,” and I concurred.
The rawness in my throat caused me to mutter, “I’m going home.” It is with Mom.
Linda laughed in a mocking manner. The phrase “You’re being dramatic”
Or perhaps I was. On the other hand, what was I meant to do? I was expected to sit there and smile pleasantly while my father declared that I was the reason his life had unraveled? Imagine for a moment that the knife hadn’t been twisted in front of so many people.
No. Not even close.
As my hands continued to shake, I reached for my phone and dialed my mother’s number.
As soon as she responded, I uttered the words, “Please come and get me.” Do not inquire about anything. It’s just that I need you.
Her response became instantaneous. “I’m coming over here.”
Twenty minutes later, her vehicle arrived at the scene. Without stopping to look behind me, I climbed in.
During the drive, my mother did not press me for specifics. I was able to gaze out the window at the hazy combination of headlights and the waning sky since she had just turned up the radio.
As soon as we arrived at our house, she prepared a grilled cheese sandwich for me, and then she started a queue for one of the classic comedies that we used to watch together when I was a kid. She sat down next to me on the couch, put her arm around my shoulders, and then allowed me to disintegrate into pieces.
I sobbed until I was unable to cry any longer, and she simply held me without making any attempt to repair the situation or advising me on how I ought to feel; she simply remained there.
Just a few days later, I eventually broke the news to her about what had transpired the previous day.
“Why would he say something like that?” My voice was breaking as I asked. Do you think I’ve ruined your marriage, Mom? Had it been me?
She appeared to be in anguish and remained silent for a considerable amount of time, as if she was considering whether or not to tell me the truth. At long last, she let out a deep breath.
There’s something that you absolutely must be aware of, honey. One of the most significant reasons that your father and I split was because, once we had Caleb and Julia, he no longer desired to have custody of you when we were together.
It was as if the words were liquid ice.
“What is it?” I felt a rumble in my gut. There is no way that could be true. He fought for custody of each and every one of us. “He brought you before the court.”
She confessed, “He did,” with a deep expression of sadness in her eyes. I had the impression that he had altered his mind when he included you in the group. That he was genuinely interested in you.”
The dawning of comprehension sank upon me like a boulder. It is likely that he merely desired to avoid making child support payments. It was never about me,” she said.
No one argued with Mom. She did not have to do it. Her lack of response was sufficient confirmation.
It was a hushed “I’m sorry,” she said. My apologies for not informing you sooner. I wished that he would ultimately take responsibility for his actions and become the kind of father you deserved.
He had not, however. As for him, he never would.
After the wedding, it had been three weeks, and I had not had any communication from him. No single phone call or text message. In spite of the fact that Caleb and Julia continued to visit him at his home every other weekend, Caleb claims that his father never inquired about me. Not a single time.
The other side of his family, on the other hand, was unrelenting. My phone quickly lighted up with a series of messages, including:
The wedding of your father was spoiled by you.
You managed to make him look foolish in front of everyone.
You are a self-centered person. Extremely dramatic. He deserves an apology from you.
My initial reaction was to wonder whether perhaps they were correct. Perhaps leaving had been an immature decision. But as I continued to think about what he had said, I became more and more convinced.
In the event that your father makes the announcement in front of a large group of people that you have ruined his marriage and that he wants you to be removed from his life, the most courteous thing you can do is to silently leave the room.
What was the other option available? You’re going to sit there, like it didn’t hurt, and smiling.
No. My act of faking was over.
My father had never really desired me, and that day made it painfully evident that he had never really wanted me. I was nine years old at the time, and I was hiding at the top of the stairs. Not when he dragged his mother through the court system. And most definitely not when he got on that podium and said to the entire world that I was the issue.
However, here is the reality that I am beginning to comprehend: his rejection reveals everything about him and none of it reveals anything about me.
I was not the cause of the dissolution of his marriage. His resentment is not due to me in any way. In addition, I am not the cause why he was unable to be the father that I required.
He is responsible for that. And it has always been.
It was only after hearing a speech at a wedding that I eventually came to believe it.
